well today i spent half the morning with my mom and my sister and her son! i had a really good time! I wish i could  do that more often. Yesterday i went out with my son for a couple of hours! I had a great time! i need to find him a birthday present cause his birthday is the 2nd of january! Shit he will be 19!!! I really want to get him soemthing nice! I miss spending time with him soo much!

I have also been thinking about Todd lately! its been what almost 7 years since he has died! I still cant believe that he is gone! i wonder what it would be like if he was still here! I always think about that! I dont know??? I do miss him very very much!  I have also made a big promise to myself! that my new years resolution is no more drugs! I mean it this time! i am really gonna try hard this time! i jsut see how much better i feel about myself when i am not high and also when i have money! it is a good thing! Iwould honestly llike to go to rehab to get off the methadone but i dont have insurance! so that kinda...

well this is gonna be a shitty xmas! i was supposed to get my unemployement money on wednesday and i didnt get it! i called them and they said that it was more important to take phone calls than to process payments! I couldnt believe that! i have been getting my money every wednesdy for the past months and now since its the holiday and of course i needed it i didnt get it! so who knows when i will get it??? I couldnt be so lucky and actually get it on xmas! i felt bad cause my son dropped off presents to me today adn i have nothing for him!!! i hate that! I feel like such shit! i hoenstly do! i have been so upset about this for the past 2 days!!! well his bday is coming up on the 2nd so i will make it up to him then! i have to really make new years resoluitons this year adn stick to them! i know the number one  is to stay clean and really try hard this time! i have to !!!!! i just do!!! i need to figure out like what i can do if i do fuck up like a consequence! ya know!!! i have been thinking about it  and i will...

I am new to this so bare with me.  I think the best way for me right now is to write about how I feel about certain issues! I find it hard soemtimes to express how I feel! Especially to people when I need help, I will get as bad as it can get before I will ask for help! I have a problem trusting others so I think if i write about it may help me! So, here I go! Lets see I have been on methadone for over 6 years now and lately I have been messing up big time! Not with opiates but with cocaine and I dont know why i do the things i do!!! i go days without using and then I mess up again! It is gettign to the point where it has to stop! I have to give the methadone clinic clean urines every month and i havent given them one in over a year!!!! I cant get kicked out of the clinic first of all i have No insurance so i would be really screwed! that is my  biggest fear right now! I just dont know what to do anymore! I just got a new counselor at the clinic and I really like her ! i think she will be able to help me but then...